I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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