no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
