I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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