Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
