dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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