So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
