i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
