Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We have so much sex to catch up on
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
