I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
