I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
