I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i would punch a child for taco bell
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
