shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
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Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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