just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
