You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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