i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
