from now on my penis is your penis
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
