i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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