East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
