just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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