i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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