chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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