you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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