Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
