My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
