mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
