Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
