I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
