how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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