Cold hands, warm shart.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
COCAINE IS GR8
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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