clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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