WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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