**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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