my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
