i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
