I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
