You're my little dorito
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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