Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
