dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
