Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
someone owes me an orgasm
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Who died my cat blue again?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
