so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
