I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
