onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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