So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
