The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Randomize
