True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
