i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
