Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
