there's paper in my vomit.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
