life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
