Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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