do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
