at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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