you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
