2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
