do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
