Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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