dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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