what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
