apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
