You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
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i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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