I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I am spending my child support on dildos
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
